Wednesday, 7 October 2015

All The Single Ladies

Well, that'll be just me.
After listening to a Kim Cattrall interview for Radio 4's Woman's Hour, I was inspired. She is currently single and loving it.

I've been single for 3 or 4 years now and I am very happy and content. Does the idea of having a man around the house appeal to me? Yes. But is it better than having a bed to myself, doing what I want when I want and living in yoga pants?! For me, the joys of being single outweigh the joys of a relationship. 

I've been told that this is because I haven't met the right one. Really? What if I'm meant to be single? I'm heading towards 29, with no man on the horizon and no desire to go and find one. My plans include travel, getting my own place and much more me time doing what I want. A man just doesn't fit in my plans, and that doesn't bother me.

I can truly see myself being single forever and that feels fabulous. No ball and chain tying me down. There's no denying that when you're in a relationship your partner has to at least be aware of your plans, whether that's what work patterns you're doing or what holiday you want to go on . But for me, I have no one to answer to. Unless you include my over protective mother, but even then she's fine as long as she knows where I am. As for my father, I could be on Mars for a month before he'd notice me missing, but I'm sure he'd wonder why only two female voices were nagging him instead of three.

I've loved and been heartbroken and yes, inevitably that has screwed me up emotionally. I don't want to let anyone in for the fear of being hurt again. But that isn't stopping me living.

If I meet someone and they can put up with all my habits, personality flaws and cat obsession, then wonderful! But it's not my be all and end all. 

I do not need to find a man. I do not need to settle down. I want to live, I want to travel, and none of those involve a partner. My 5 year plan is very self centred and I love it.

All I've got to do is get my leg operations out the way with and I can truly start my life plan. Until then, I can hobble around, dreaming of my gypsy life.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Romance of a Harem



Chapter VIII

One day I had gone to the Minister for War to tell him of a new desire of Hairiee's, when he begged me to be the bearer myself of a letter to the Prince Halim.
"I advise you not to lose it," he said as he gave it to me, and I felt a sort of tremor as I met his eyes.

When I reached the palace they told me the Prince was absent. With a sadness that I could not explain I sat down, and my slave, having waited some time in front of me with crossed arms, seeing that I asked for nothing, retired silently. I took my guitar and began playing almost unconsciously, watching meanwhile through the open windows the boats floating on the calm waters of the Bosphorus.
A great silence lay over the sea, and a delicious fragrance on the evening air, but somehow I could not shake off the vague feeling of melancholy which oppressed me.

The sudden rush of oars through the water made me lean out, and I saw the caïq of the Prince glide up along the landing-stage, and stop suddenly at the white marble steps with a sureness and precision which is a great art amongst the boatmen.

All the blood in my heart seemed to surge up to my head. I drew a hand-mirror from the cushions of the divan, and looked at myself critically; then quickly passing between my eyelids a tortoise-shell pin, arranged the folds of my rose-coloured intari, and slipped on my slippers which I had left at the foot of the divan, felt for the letter which I had hidden in my breast, and then I went out.

I was obliged to pass right through the harem. It was the hour for food, and the slaves were passing with large covered silver dishes on their heads, whilst the eunuch who was on duty called repeatedly "Destour!" ("attention"). On all sides I heard the light laughter of the women, who were playing tric-trac, which was the last new game in the harem, and which, like all other games, had its short reign and then vanished. I passed through the long bare corridors, where a soft, warm wind floated in through the open doors, and up the matting-covered stairs, and past the big room reserved for the children who were being taught to sing the Koran, and crossing the garden I went towards the kiosque which the Prince had had built, and which he only quitted in the great heat of summer.

The slaves on duty were sitting in a large circle on the ground, awaiting the arrival of the Prince, who had not yet come in. I sat down on one of the violet satin divans, and listened to the adventures of Nasreddin Hodja, that a lady secretary was reading aloud to the women. One of them respectfully begged the reader if she would stop the reading, and write a letter for her to her sister, who was one of the coffee-bearers to the Khedive. The secretary drew from her sash the case containing the Chinese ink and a pen, and immediately wrote down the long list of compliments which it is the custom to begin a letter with, and then asked the girl if there were anything she particularly wished to say. "No," said the slave, "so long as it is a letter; that is all I wish to send her."
The whole group was much interested in the lette, which, when finished, was handed to a eunuch, who passed it on to a messenger, who in his turn gave it to another of lower degree, who put it in the folds of his sash - the invariable destiny of the rare letters that were written in the harem.

The Prince entered, and two slaves immediately preceded His Highness to the entrance of his room, where they stood before the door which he left half open behind him. I glided into the room, and Halim turning swiftly round, threw his arms about me and kissed my eyes, holding me in a close embrace. On hearing the steps of two slaves who were on duty approaching, he went and sat down, and asked for a cigar from one of them. I then drew from my dress the letter of the Ministerr of War, and laid it on his knees, feeling not unmoved, as I always did, in his presence. He read it through several times, whilst the slaves, bearing heavy silver torches stood near him, holding their burdens first in one hand, and then in the other, for their weight was so great that it made them tremble.
Suddenly he held the letter to one of the flames and watched it slowly burn.
"There was enough in it to cause one to be taken to the Place d'Acq Meiden" (the place of execution), he said to me in French, in a voice so shaken by emotion that I felt as if I had suddenly received a wound.

...............................................................................................................................................................

The next day I was summoned to the presence of His Highness, who gave me a small bag of grey cloth tied with string and sealed with red wax.
"You must take this to the harem of the Minister of War. To-day being Friday, he will go out very late, and you will give it him with your own hands," he said.
On arriving at the house, I was so early that the Minister received me with a fur cloak thrown over his sleeping-clothes, and who cried when he saw me, "Thanks be to Allah! what news?"
Whilst his wife said: "Well, my child, the flowers are still red with the dawn, and you are already here."
"Don't talk, my wife," said he, "but order some fruits for the child," and then he examined closely the seals on the package.
"More surprises from Paris?" She asked.
"What is there in the bag - money? - or some new French inventions? - tell me, Pasha, what is it?"
Then understanding that she would learn nothing, she laughed, the rather loud laugh of a somewhat vulgar woman.

Hussein Avni had married her when he was a sous-officier, and since that time he had never even dreamt of making her unhappy by choosing another and perhaps more refined wife.
Two slaves brought in a Roman salad, cherries, strawberries, cooked beans, and boiled maize, which we all three tranquilly ate with all the enjoyment of real Turks, for these plain repasts are much appreciated by the simple-minded Mussulman. The Minister was much amused at the way his wife teased me with a hundred questions, and naturally taking advantage of my presence, led the conversation on to the subject of dresses from Paris, pretending to hesitate concerning the respective merits of Laferrière and Soinard.

Suddenly the Minister said to me with a kindly smile: "Ela, my child, write to Laferrière to send a dress for my child, only write quickly, my lamb."
"Certainly," I answered, "only you must bear in mind that she is more expensive than Soinard."
"But much more chic," interrupted Madame Hussein Avni, and at the use of this French word we all laughed.
" You may write," said the Pasha. "I will pay, for the Sultan is very generous to me - and at this moment, when I am Grand Vizier and the Minister of War, everything is in my hands; there is nothing that I need refuse, and I shall do as others do. Fortune at last opens the door that I had double-locked. An honest man! - what is that? No one believes or gives one credit for being it. Hitherto I have deprived Hairiee of many things; now she shall have all she wishes-nothing shall be too good or expensive for her. Allons! Hairiee, my sweet-eyed one, my treasure," he continued, laying aside his chibouk and drawing towards him this ungrateful child, who was later to cause him such great misfortunes, "what do you wish now? - what is the desire of your heart?"
She only smiled, and as the Minister was now due at the War Office, he put on his coat, and whilst the slaves were drawing on his boots, his wife seized this unexpected opportunity to give him a list of all the things he was to buy in the town - a ruby and diamond tiara for Hairiee - who was going to the wedding of one of the ladies of the palace - a coupé with English horses for their son, a hundred pieces of Indian muslin for their slaves, six Japanese dishes big enough to hold a roast sheep, white tortoise-shell spoons, and innumerable packets of wax candles.
The Pasha listened patiently. He had always done the commissions for his wife, and he had no idea of changing the customs of his life, which was entirely sacrificed to the happiness of his family. Then looking at the clock, and seeing how late it was, he hurriedly left.

On quitting the palace, I saw the Minister outside in conversation with General Ignatiev, the Russian Ambassador. Hussein Avni was very calm, and, I saw, refused to speak French.
The Ambassador was talking much and excitedly, and I could not help thinking of what I once heard old Mehmet Ruchtu Pasha say: "For each step the Russian takes, he tells ten lies."

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Romance of a Harem

Chapter VII

As time went on, a more or less superficial reconciliation was effected between Prince Halim and the Khedive Ismaël, and amicable relations were renewed between the harems of Egypt and those of the exile, though Halim still continued to live at the palace of Keurfesse. The new situation affected me considerably, for it brought me in contact with the Khedive and his wives.

Ismaël begged the Prince to allow me to go and stay with his daughter Princess Fatma, which new plan did not please me at all, nor could I hide my dislike to the idea. I sought the Prince, and kissing his hands, said, "As I am obliged to go, let me at least pass this last day near you."

That day Halim was engaged in having the diamonds of his treasury washed, and himself assisted at the delicate operation, which consisted in soaking the jewels in a kind of acid which loosened them from their settings. With a child's pleasure I plunged my hands in the basins, letting the glittering diamonds run through my fingers.
When they were washed, they were put into bags carefully arranged on the table. I emptied them into my hands, which were too small to hold their shining contents, and many were scattered on the carpet. It amused the Prince, and he drew me towards him, pressing my cheek against his, and with his wonderfully young laugh he said, "I am twenty years older than you, my child, but I wait with impatience till you are twenty-one, when I shall marry you. Do you understand and that?"
Certainly I understood, and a shiver made my lips whiten, and my eyelids close.
Was it possible, he thought, that a young girl could, without knowing it, love him, in the same way in which he loved her?
He rose and walked to the window, over the white bearskins which covered the floor of the room.
"Ela," he said, "Come," and holding me in his arms he covered my eyes and cheeks with quick, passionate kisses. "I love you," he said, "I love you."

I stayed three days with Princess Fatma, the daughter of the Khedive. She was the most haughty of all the Princesses, and wished to dazzle me, so that on my return the harem of Prince Hamil should receive from me a detailed account of the extraordinary luxe that surrounded her.
On my arrival at the Khedivial palace, the ladies' maids undressed me and led me to the Turkish bath, then clothed me in the most wonderful gold-embroidered silks, trimmed with point d' Alençon and English lace, shoes with gold heels, strings of emeralds, rings on every finger, diamond flowers in my hair and four rows of diamonds round my neck.
Decked out in this manner I was led into the presence of the Princess, who received me with a chill dignity of manner, and gave me her hand to kiss.
The apartments of the Princess were given up to great disorder, and luxury was allowed to run riot, which greatly spoilt the general effect. All that woman's extravagant imagination could conceive was realised to an absurd extent. From Paris, from China, Stamboul, and America, were brought clothes and jewels. Worth sent dresses; the jewellers, masses of rings, necklaces and bracelets.

Every day came singers and dancers and rows of slaves. The Princess herself examined them, saying to one: "Show me your teeth." To another: "Let me see your back - or your shoulders." Quantities of these girls were bought, many of whom were almost ill with emotion and delight at finding themselves chosen for royal service. The governesses were enriched with a thousand things that the princesses were tired of. Almost daily some caprice or other sent a French servant to Paris or elsewhere for some trivial purpose, such as to get a tooth-brush!
And nothing would have induced the Princess Fatma to use any brush but the one brought from Paris by the servant who had been sent solely for this important commission.
This special envoy always travelled first-class, smoked enormous and expensive cigars, and dazzled the shops that supplied the royal household, with his descriptions. Alas! these descriptions were in no way exaggerated. The French chef did his work in he kitchens in sleeves of Valenciennes lace. And the house steward gave wonderful fêtes, to which all the merchants of Pera were invited. He royally spent the Egyptian money, saying grandly, "We will show them what it is to entertain." The ladies' maids wore dresses from Worth, saying, "It is the Princess who pays, but it is we who wear these clothes."

Like all the Princes of his house, Ismaël had the gift of inspiring great affection amongst the women of his harem; and many of them were consumed with love for him, which was all the more extraordinary, for he was fat, and heavy and unattractive. Nevertheless, he had a certain charm about him.
As to Prince Halim, he was really irresistible, but at least he had the most beautiful eyes; and the most lovely courtezans would have gladly thrown over the Khedive himself for a flower that he had worn. And at Constantinople, when he passed in his beautiful boat with his ten rowers, many a shutter opened and flowers were thrown towards him.
One evening the Khedive sent for me. I found him sitting on his sofa wrapped in a long fur garment. He had taken off his European clothes, and his bare feet, having been bathed in rose-water, were curled up under him. He looked at me fixedly for a moment, and then asked me to light him a cigarette, adding almost roughly, "Do you do the same for the Prince?"
I said "Yes."
"If you like you shall marry my son Mehmet Twefik - you please me."
"Thank you," I answered, "I do not care about young men."
"Very well then, if you wish it, you shall be the prettiest of the Vice-Queens."
"Again I must thank you Highness, but it is the Prince my master who pleases me."
"Machallah!" cried Ismaël. "he fascinates you all from your cradles. You will return to your lover, and you will tell him from me that the irade changing the succession to the throne of Egypt is really signed at last. Go - it is a piece of news that will give him pleasure; for the future, it will be enough for him to reign in your hearts. You may return to him."

A governess was called, who re-conducted me to the Prince, but the affair was carried out with considerable formality. Two eunuchs followed us, bearing the clothes and jewels the Vice-Queen had given me, and Ismaël ordered that the little steam-launch that had brought me should be left as a remembrance of my visit to him.

One may imagine how glad I was to leave the palace where, the day before, I had seen little slaves weeping into gold cups, where the tears were preserved for bathing the cheeks of the Princess, with the idea that it would bring back the natural colour. At the last moment Ismaël called me to him, and embraced me several times saying - 
"You will come again to Egypt, will you not, to see me and my daughter, Princess Fatma. She is very delicate, and this warm sun is necessary for her."
In truth, this poor princess had that strange beauty which is not uncommon amongst those who die young. She was always dressed in long dresses of some rare delicate stuff of a dazzling white, and her short, Venetian-red hair made the delicacy and paleness of her neck and face the more remarkable. Her almond-shaped eyes seemed weary and half-veiled with the immensely long eye-lashes
All the great ladies that were admitted to her presence left very much impressed with her unusual and mysterious beauty.
She died soon afterwards, and two days after her death, as is the custom, were given up to the lamentations of the crying women, who remained in a room close at hand, where all the women of the harem came and cried in their turn.
Her slaves were dowered and married off according to their rank; for rich Turks always give devoted slaves their freedom by marriage, and dower them sufficiently to live comfortably afterwards. That is why Circassian girls who know this custom prefer to be sold at Stamboul than to live in Circassia, where no such good fortune could happen to them. They beg their fathers or brothers to sell them, and this slavery will always exist as long as there are rich men in Turkey; and the most anxious to keep up this custom are the slaves themselves, who prefer to tempt the fortune of the unknown, to live in privation and rough labour in their own country. If the girl is beautiful she becomes a success, and if ugly, a slave in a more ordinary harem, where she is seldom ill-treated. The slow indifference of the Turkish nature makes service easy, and the master looks carefully after the health of his slaves. The mutual feeling of live and let live is a prevailing one in harems; the women are fond of the master, and value the legitimacy of the children.
In all harems there is a great deal of politeness and complimentary speeches amongst the women. There are no jealousies, and rarely quarrels, but seldom great friendships. Each of the ladies is anxious to impress the others with the fact that she has been well educated, and most succeed in cultivating a certain charm of manner, which helps to make the interior life of Islamite homes agreeable and pleasant. The children are respectful to their parents, and never speak to them unless they are first spoken to. When the "Mademoiselle" or "Miss" try to break through the custom, they seldom succeed in their work of so-called civilisation.
When I was fifteen years old, if I went out I was always dressed as a European, and considered as being of English birth. When a Turk marries a Christian, she is nearly always free to go out as she likes, and do as did the wives of Nedjib Pasha and Suavi Pasha, who when paying visits to Europeans, always dressed as French-women, or paying visits to Turkish ladies, were clothed like Eastern women.
My somewhat precocious intelligence made every one kind to, and confidential with, me. They knew at heart I was Islamite, if not by birth, and the certainty that on reaching the age of twenty-one I should embrace their religion made me sympathetic to them. They loved me for a sort of charm which they expressed by the word "Chirinelik', and if any little differences arose, they always said, "Go, my lamb, and settle that business; you have a way with you which no one can resist."
At the house of Hussein Avni (the Minister of War) I was treated always as a daughter of the family, and I was the only one who was able to obtain permission from him for a dress from Paris for his child.
At my first arrival the wife of the Minister said to me: "Go and find the Pasha, for my daughter's heart is aching for a dress from Madame Soinard, and you know he is very severe, and does not like French dresses. Go, my little lioness, and try to get leave from him, and I will make you a present of a beautifully embroidered handkerchief."
I immediately entered his office, where there was a perpetual coming and going of aides-de-camp, and where, notwithstanding his serious occupations, he received me in an affectionate and paternal manner.
"Ah! Ela Hanem," he said, "I see clearly that my wife wants something, for when I was in the harem she did nothing but tell me of the things she and our daughter wanted; and now she makes you follow me to the office. It is unreasonable. I am the poorest of all the Ministers; I don't know how to steal money from my country. Tell the women that I have none."
Alas! this was only too true, but like all Turks, he had a great devotion to his children, and could refuse nothing to his daughter.
She (rather maliciously, when he would not immediately gratify her wish) always ran away, and would not let him kiss her, which spoilt he whole day for the poor father.
Hussein Avni was the bravest, cleverest and best of the generals, and the Sultan Abdul Aziz, in his heart of hearts knew it, and if he sometimes placed the general in disgrace, he soon recalled him. He was a fine soldier, of which he had given proofs on many occasions. His advice was generally considered the best, and nearly always followed in military counsels. Charming to those he loved, his generosity was greater than his means; remarkably intelligent, he spoke French like a native, a talent he generally himself ignored. His bravery was well known, and he had quelled many a revolt by the seduction of his speech and his persuasiveness and conciliatory manner to his enemies.
His harem was on very simple lines; even his women were seldom dressed in silk, and went out very little, and the old-fashioned Mussulman austerity was practised in his household. No governess had ever been allowed to bring trouble there, and two of his children (who were from the age of seven brought up for entering a religious order) and Hairiee Hanem were educated à la turque.
Two things amongst others were remarkable in that house: one was his beautiful collection of arms, and the other, he correct behaviour of his aides-de-camp, whom he chose and formed with much care. One of them, by name Hassan, a Circassian, became the type of extreme military elegance; on him the Minister showered kindnesses and treated as his own son.
But, Hassan, whose distinguished and martial appearance had attracted the attention of the Sultan, was appointed in attendance on His Imperial Higness Youssouf Izzedin, the eldest son of His Majesy. His appointment was much regretted by Hussein Avni, who had considered him as devoted entirely to himself.
It was when she was about sixteen that Hairiee Hanem, the daughter of the Minister of War, was suddenly seized with a passion for dress. The visits that she paid or received made her discontented and envious of the jewels, dresses and luxury of her friends, and in the evening when her father came, worn out and harassed with the insurmountable difficulties in raising the money necessary for the wants of the army, he would find Hairiee fretful and disinclined for the paternal embrace.
He adored his child, and would have committed a crime to save her from tears; so he generally finished in giving in to her caprices.
The Minister was a thorough patriot, honest and loyal, and without debt was the only one who had not enriched himself at the expense of the state. These desires of his daughter astonished him, but he had not the time to try and understand them, occupied as he was entirely with his work. Summoned perpetually before the Sultan, he was on his feet from four o'clock in the morning, and the anguish of seeing everything going wrong by the fault of his master the Sultan, whose phenomenal expenses plunged the Empire in difficulties, made his existence almost insupportable.
He tried by every means to respectfully explain to the Sultan how the army was situated - that army of which he might indeed be proud, with its sublime devotion and great moral and physical force.
Occasionally Abdul Aziz would pull himself up, but like the great child that he was, would soon fall again in the same hopeless fashion.
Little by little the Minister gave up the idea of telling the Sultan how things were; and by degrees a group of students formed themselves into a band of malcontents, and one day organised a manifestation in front of the palace.
The Sultan sent them money, and the manifestation passed off. This affair ought to have awakened the attention of His Majesty, for he was already sufficiently astonished that the students had the audacity to assemble at his very gates; but what was fated was bound to come to pass.